Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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