How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
