I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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