yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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