bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
