So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
