Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
