It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
