Who wears a wallet chain?!
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
