Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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