before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
