If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
