her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize