so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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