god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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