That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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