Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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