Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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