I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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