just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
