ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's never too late to be topless.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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