the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
