I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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