Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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