dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
