it's like heaven, but drunker
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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