even my farts smell like vagina
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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