When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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