Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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