i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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