i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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