Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
it's like heaven, but drunker
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I am one with the molecules
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
