At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
