I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
