I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
