Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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