I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
