I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
