Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
