i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
