There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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