I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
