4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize