dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
