ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
