I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
