My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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