can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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