I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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