Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
