just tell him i said nine months
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
There's even glitter on my cock...
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