I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
this hospital has no fireball
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
