Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
