He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
