also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
