so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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