i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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