My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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