she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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