is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
