Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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