We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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